watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
