I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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