My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
