I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
