So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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