I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
