My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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