I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
