apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
