My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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