She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.