Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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