I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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