new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
