and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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