he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
