My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We had to coat check the pizza.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
