I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
