I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
