My sheets look like a crime scene.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
