I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
