I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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