woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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