the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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