I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
