Moan for me like Helen Keller
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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