If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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