In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
