she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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