I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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