Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
