textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
