Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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