My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
