2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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