This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
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UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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