i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
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So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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