I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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