So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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