hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
