I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
