I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
