Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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