I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
