How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
