brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
