I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
