i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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