Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
