Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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