i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
