im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
