Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
