Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
