i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
