life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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