how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
