I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
