He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
