I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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