So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
