you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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