BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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