They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
