I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
