When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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