A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
