I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
