HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
God gave him joint rollers for hands
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
