My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again